Priorities

So, yesterday, I didn't post.  I know that, and I tried.  Several times, I opened up a browser tab to start a post, and ended up just closing it.  Sort of a metaphor for my life these days... Also, it seems like lately, I haven't been doing enough interesting things that are worth posting about.  I was trying to stop going on and on about the house, since I wasn't making any progress on it, despite my best efforts.

And there in lies the problem - my best efforts.

I start a project or a room, planning to get it done.  I sometimes make a bit of progress on the room/project. Sometimes it is even visible progress.  BUT then, something else comes up, and I have to switch priorities.  Like, when the sewer plugged up - I had to drop everything else, and clear the basement.  Then, something else happened, and I had to abandon the progress downstairs.  Then, the washing machine, so back to the basement.  Then I had to deal with outdoor stuff, then the bathroom needed a good cleaning again, so I figured I'd take the time, since I hadn't been folding the bath towels and putting them away, to straighten out the undersink cupboard and give it a wipe as well, then the bath towels could be put away -- I put everything left under the sink into a plastic tub.... When I washed my hair two days later, I realized the hair dryer was at the bottom of that tub.... In other words, something else took priority again.

I am having trouble with either too many things going critical all at once, or I'm having trouble deciding what to do first, or I'm having trouble saying, "too bad, that can wait, I have to finish this".  So, either I can't keep up, I can't think straight, or I can't be strong.

So, instead, I end up giving up on everything, and just wait for the next crisis to tell me what to do.  Now we're dealing with a preventative crisis - hearing about what happened to an acquaintance/co-worker of my husband - he had a chest freezer that was his meat freezer, and it died on him, and he doesn't know when that happened.... Lost everything in it.  Well, that made us think about our chest freezer.  And how we haven't seen inside it for a couple of years, because of all the stuff that was piled around and on it, because we are storing stuff for someone else and that got out of hand, and we are storing it in our off-season storage area, which meant our off season storage is now an issue, and last night it rained and the roof leaks (though it now seems the roof leaks worse than last year, or maybe it  was just the super hard rain we had - good news, the rain barrel functions as well as it is able)

And I end up feeling like I can't accomplish anything, so why try?  Not really depressed, not really frustrated, though both of those have similar symptoms.  More like just giving up.  Which is now affecting even the things I enjoy doing.  Like, I still haven't sought out the TV show, because I really shouldn't spend the time watching it when there are so many other things to do.  Or the movies I've recorded.  Or knitting... because those are all "rewards" and I haven't "earned" them yet.  Which makes me feel even worse.

I need to break out of this cycle of apathy....

Anyway, I didn't post yesterday.  Lost count of how many times that makes for this year - not making it to my goal.  I'm not considering that a total failure.  I'm still making the effort.  I'm still trying to keep discipline and "completion" or "success" in some small corner of my life so I can avoid feeling totally useless.

I've had trouble with self-esteem many times over my life - thought I was improving.  I guess I am, but it is still a fairly fragile healing....

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If you are still with me - I did take a couple of pictures yesterday morning, of the garden, and of our tomato seedlings.  But, I didn't get them downloaded.  And, at one point, I went to check on the dogs, and discovered...  One of the dogs was happily chewing on a seedling pot... and a second was missing, located a few feet away.  The one dog got the most of my disappointment, but I suspect the other one started it...
Anyway, early yesterday morning, I lost one pot that hadn't shown signs of germination yet, and one that had two seedlings growing... I did try to salvage one, that I found that hadn't been damaged; it remains to be seen if it survived... :(